Standard disclaimer, this work is rated pg on the sexual scale, but does deal with some deep themes. Protect yourself, and please keep my name attached to this.
It had been such a long time since Dad and I went for a hike, just getting some guy time in. It wasn't that we didn't want to, but what with the way things went it would either end up raining or something would come up unexpectedly almost every time for the past few months. We went back to one of our favorite trails, about a 15 minute drive out of the city.
When we got to the trail head we put on our packs, checked our water and began to hike. We had a ten mile hike ahead of us, but that was not that much compared to what we had already done. We had already mapped out the trip, it was going to take us up on a ridge so high that you could see for miles around. The ridge wasn't the goal, in fact it seems we had lost track of a goal. When we had started hiking together in my freshman year of high school he had been on a major workout plan, and hiking made sense as a good way to work out and have some company. Personally I had never needed a workout plan, but Dad was aware that he was getting older, and he wanted to make sure he never became a burden on anyone. I respect that, in fact I admire it because I could think of countless friends I had met who didn't have that same code of honor.
Dad started in high spirits, as we walked he pointed out various points of interest, from rocks to interesting trees, even live animal tracks that had been made mere moments before we showed up.
Then, right after our first water break the conversation took a more serious tone:
Dad: "You know kid, sometimes being out here really makes me feel like I can take on the world."
Me:"I know what you mean."
Dad: "Out here things are simple. We hike, we stay hydrated and safe and with that and a little bit of luck in regards to the weather we come out alright."
Me: "Are you saying that things elsewhere are less simple?"
Dad's eyes seem to tell it all. He gives me a look that indicates there is something more to what he was thinking than he was saying.
Dad: "What do you think? Do you find life simple?
Me: "Well no, I probably wouldn't use the word simple."
Dad: "Exactly my point."
I couldn't help but wonder what was bothering him, but I had no doubt that he would unfold it in time. We walked for sometime in silence.
Dad again started the conversation.
Dad: "I think it all goes back to the philosophy of Don Quete. At some point you find yourself at a point of frustration that you want to deny all of reality, put yourself into a world that makes sense to you. The alternative is hardly more sane however, and that would be to live with the pain, know the reality of it and somehow keep on fighting to stay alive."
Me: "Woah, wait a minute, what does any of this have to do with staying alive? What sort of pain is so hard to endure that you would have to resort to either of those options?"
Dad said "Son I believe this is killing me." As a smile ran away from his face. "I was so sure that I could be whole again, maybe getting out of the rat race."
"To be in this world without your mother is almost more than I can stand. This last year, since losing her, I don't even know who I am."
Me: "Your my Dad, that's all that matters to me." Then I thought of something to cheer him up, at least I hoped so, "After all, you're good enough, you're smart enough and dog on it, people like you."
He smiled slowly at the reference to the old SNL routine, he'd certainly quoted it his fair share of time. I could see that it hurt him to even smile. How could I relate, he'd been in love with my mother longer than I had been alive, how could I imagine that sort of loss? Yes I'd lost a mother, something I was still coming to terms with actually. Regardless of our pain we both put on a brave face most of the time, and hoped to God that inside somewhere we were healing.
Dad "I know how this must sound, but it just isn't fair, isn't right that she would be gone and I here. I would have given anything to go with her on that next great adventure. It's at times like these I curse that I take good care of myself. Not that it would have made a difference in her case. Life is a fickle thing. One day you're standing in the rain, the next you're in the dry arid climate of loneliness. I'd give anything just to not have to spend another day alone."
Me: "Maybe you'll meet someone new."
Dad: "I don't want anyone new..... I don't even know what I want, like I said, without her to anchor me I'm a ship tossed about in the storm. "
We had reached the ridge and were walking along the precarious path cut into the side of the ridge. The view was breathtaking.
Dad started humming, I recognized the tune as The Man of La Manche.
He started singing, it was beautiful, sad, and wonderful all at the same time:
"Oh the trumpets of glory
Now call me to ride,
Yes, the trumpets are calling to me,
And wherever I ride,
Ever staunch at my side
My squire and my lady shall be!
I am I, Don Quixote..."Tears were streaming down his face, he was smiling somehow through it all. To see this giant of a man reduced to tears was almost more than I could stand. The tears must have clouded his eyes because one minute he was walking along the trail, the next he had slipped. He held on to the cliff face, trying to get a foothold to push himself back up. I got down next to him and tried to help, but it was all I could do to hold him up. He looked up at me, tears still streaming down his face.
Dad: "I love you son, I want you to know I will always be proud of you."
I think teared up at this point too. I wanted to tell him how much he meant to me, how I needed him, but that wasn't what he needed. He needed me to help him, even if it was the last time.
I started up the tune for him again, singing the part of Sancho Panza:
" The Lord of la Mancha
our destiny calls and we go!
And the wild winds of fortune Shall carry us onward,
Oh, whithersoever they blow"
Dad: "Withersoever they blow
onward to glory I go."
He released his grip, I'll never forget that look on his face, peace at last.
"Give em hell Dad" I called out after him.
